A Dating App for Modern Muslim Women Comes to London
For those of you who don’t ride the Underground in London or haven’t noticed, there’s a really great billboard ad campaign out there right now. (Actually I enjoy quite a few of them but I will stay on topic.) The ad is for Muzmatch, a dating app for single Muslims. Not only are Muslim mothers everywhere rejoicing that their chances for Muslim grand-babies just went up (after all they are only Yentas like their Jewish counterparts, you know, like my mother…), but the ads are humorous and entertaining on an otherwise dull ride. They also depict Muslims in a way that is much more positive than the old stereotypes. Modern-day Muslims are cast in a light that is much more real, much more just like anyone else you see on that morning commute or at work.
Admittedly, I only knew a few Muslims prior to moving to London and the ones I knew were very much Americanized. My move to London brought about much welcome learning experiences through the friends I have made here. Recently, one such friend came to my flat with her adorable twins so they could play with my stepdaughter. Esra is a little bit younger than me and therefore not really Generation X but I still learn a lot from her. She is a traditional Muslim woman making her own choices in modern times. As with anyone, I imagine it’s not always easy but she seems to manage pretty well.
The kids were getting on nicely playing board games with my husband so Esra and I relaxed on the couch and chatted over a cup of Turkish coffee. Esra mentioned that Ramadan with two children could be particularly challenging. The only thing I really knew about Ramadan was that it was a month long holiday where Muslims would fast all day and only eat after sundown. Wikipedia (where I also go for details of my own religion from time to time) defines Ramadan as the ninth month of the Islamic calendar. It is observed by Muslims worldwide as a month of fasting to commemorate the first revelation of the Quran to Muhammad according to Islamic belief. I asked Esra if she could explain it in more detail to me. She told me that Ramadan means sharing your food and a part of your valuables for example your money and gold. You have to give your money 1/40 to the poor people. This rule’s name is ZAKAT. You invite poor people to your table. You share your food. Another good point is benefit for your body and soul, all the organs don’t work and rest for one month. You discipline your soul and egoizm. Sounded good to me. I asked if she could tell me more and she said she really didn’t know much more than that. This struck me funny because they way she said it sounded exactly like something I would say if someone asked me to explain a Jewish holiday. Having grown up in a non-religious household and celebrating traditions without paying close attention to why, I could not adequately explain them to anyone. I think I may have actually laughed out loud when I realized how much like me my friend was in that way.
We drank the coffee that Esra had brought over from her homeland and discussed many topics from vacations to food to pets. Esra mentioned that Muslims were not supposed to have dogs inside their homes but growing up she actually had one and it slept in her bed every night. I thought of all the Jews I knew, myself included, that ate bacon and sausage. Most of us were more about the family, culture and traditions than we were about the religion or the rules. Esra seemed to be the same.
To be clear, I’m not saying that Esra doesn’t take being a Muslim seriously. She does believe in the Quran and all of its positive teachings. She does pray and live her life in a virtuous way and she passes that down to her children. She is probably one of the most kind and giving individuals I know. In fact, all of the muslims that I know personally are very kind as well as hard-working and intelligent. With the media pumping ISIS, terrorists and racism down our throats all the time it’s a great reminder that there are actually all kinds of people – good and bad – in every religion.
…and the hijab? Esra chose to wear it. No man forced her. Esra is not the first modern Muslim woman to tell me that. Oppression of women does happen but is not the way of true Muslims. It is only the way of oppressive people who also happen to be Muslim. I feel this is an important point to repeat – just like within any religion or group there are good people as well as bad. The Koran states that men and women are equal and, as Esra put it, it is equally the man’s job to do housework as it is the woman’s. In fact, Esra’s husband doesn’t care whether or not she wears an hijab as long as he gets out of his part of the housework (just kidding on the housework part.) Esra grew up in a family that did not wear hijabs and she was not wearing one when she and her husband met. It was only after their children were getting to an age where they could begin learning tradition that she donned the coverings. And, hey, when it’s drizzling outside and you just did your hair it certainly doesn’t hurt.
My friend who is nicknamed “Bean” is a beautiful girl with shiny hair, shiny brown eyes and a smile that lights up the room. She has told me about life as a modern Muslim woman as well. Bean does not wear the hijab and she is not religious but the Muslim culture and traditions are still a part of her and certainly of her family. She had me in stitches laughing with the animated way she recanted her experience with her mother prior to getting married. Bean is married to the whitest blonde-haired blue-eyed British boy she could possibly have found. He’s adorable but let’s face it, he’s also British Ken Doll. Now, like all Jewish mothers, Bean’s mother expected her to marry a Muslim man who was pre-approved by the family just like all of her sisters had done. This was not to be however as it was love at first sight for Bean and her Ken doll.
In the beginning they decided it was best to keep their love a secret. A few years in when they were not only living together but had also purchased a house together and were thinking about whether or not they would want children they realized they might have to come clean. When they finally did, Bean’s mother, the matriarch of the family, banished her from the house and refused to even speak to her daughter for two years.
Eventually through time and patience Bean got her mother to speak to her again. She even somehow convinced her to accept that Bean and her Ken doll were going to be married. I asked Bean about the wedding expecting some tale of beautiful dresses, music, food, gifts etc. Bean described the wedding like this: “It was just a business transaction. I was upstairs with my sisters and female cousins while my husband was downstairs with the men of my family. When the time came, my husband had to offer a monetary dowry for my hand in marriage. The amount was passed along and brought upstairs to the women for approval. Once the amount was approved, we were husband and wife.” No pomp and circumstance there.
Before the marriage was allowed to take place, however, Bean’s husband had to convert to Islam. What a spectacle that must have been. The couple travelled to the town where Bean’s family was originally from and on the day of the conversion, the temple was packed. Every Muslim for miles must have come to see the tall white boy renounce Jesus in favor of Allah. Dear old Ken was actually called to the front of the Mosque where they asked him to talk. Of course none of this had been planned and Ken, who wasn’t even very strong into his own religion, had thought he would simply attend the Mosque that day to appease the family of his betrothed. Completely unprepared but knowing that all eyes, especially those of Bean’s family, were on him he walked to the front and mumbled something about his love for his new family. The entire place exploded in cheers.
After the service and a good amount of handshaking and hugs Ken needed a drink. He and Bean’s brother actually found a nearby pub and were having a beer outside when a stream of cars began driving by all beeping their horns at him. There was the newly converted blonde Brit boy drinking a pint in front of a congregation that is against drinking alcohol…
For Ken’s part, he really is a great guy. He loves and would do anything for Bean. He’s kind, generous and very considerate to her and anyone he cares about. He’s very helpful to Bean’s mother, even more so than any of the other men in her family. In fact, nowadays Bean’s mother will say that of all her son in laws, she loves Ken the best.
Just go to show we are more alike than we think and where we are not, we can learn something from each other.
